Self-Sabotaging Patterns:
Ashtara
I awakened from a very descriptive dream, fully aware my Dream Teacher was attempting to convey an important message to me. “Best I interpret the dream immediately” I thought. From much experience I knew the dream would totally vanish from my conscious mind if I didn’t work on it immediately. My dreams are very graphic, in full-blown technicolour and I am always amazed at the ingenuity of my Dream Teacher! The images are symbolic and the messages incredibly valuable as they bring great clarity to any psychological issues I am experiencing. They are presented at auspicious astrological timings so I’ve learnt to pay attention.
The dream followed on from a strange and shocking thought of the afternoon before, when I had been sitting relaxing in the sun. I’d eaten a late lunch and was feeling very content and comfortable. A Taurus state of being! “What if someone had cast a psychic spell over me that prevented me from actualising a successful career?” I thought. The words “hidden enemies” came to mind. These two astrological key words are associated with Pisces and twelfth house planets, and I have two 12th house planets in my astrology chart!
For those who know me, you will appreciate how totally foreign this thought was, as I always take full responsibility for my life situations and never think another might wish me ill will. So the thought was quite shocking and certainly got my attention! I reflected on the concept and began to see quite clearly how I had sabotaged many career opportunities, especially the humanitarian projects I initiated that required a team (Aquarius in 12th).
Tracing a self-sabotaging pattern.
I reflected more deeply, tracing this Piscean self-sabotaging pattern back to its source. Around twelve years ago I received an ‘out of the blue’ phone call from someone I had known in my past. She told me a very sad story of all that had happened to her since her divorce from her husband. She needed a place of respite so I invited her to come and stay at our home and said I would assist her. When she arrived a few days later my former husband immediately sensed she was ‘dark’ with ulterior motives, and told me he would have nothing to do with her. Unfortunately I didn’t pay attention to his wise words. I nursed and cared for her, taking her wherever she wanted to go, devoting all my time to her. I wanted to rescue her – a typical dysfunctional Piscean/12th house trait. Some weeks prior to her arrival I had organized for our family to go to a children’s ballet performance with our granddaughter. I was so looking forward to this but was unable to purchase an extra ticket for my guest. I made sure she was very comfortable at home before we left.
On arrival at the event I was suddenly overcome with such nausea and weakness I had to be helped to my seat. I couldn’t see! I couldn’t think! I couldn’t feel my body! I felt sick. I felt as if some kind of heavy thick dense cloud had ‘taken me over’ and I was unable to function.
I spent the entire performance in this weakened state. I didn’t see anything. I had to be carried out to the car and then spent the next five days in bed –in a sickened trance state. On the fifth day, my consciousness began to return and I realized I had experienced my first psychic attack. This was a shocking concept to me, but it had happened. It was real. I gathered all my strength and asked my guest to leave. Her parting words to me were “Now you have learned about psychic energy!” Again I was gob-smacked. She was fully aware of what she had done! I must have been so nave. She had been so jealous of our happy family going out without her she had sent strong jealous, envious, resentful and revengeful Scorpio vibes to me that I allowed to render me helpless and weak – for five days! This is the power of dense, dark thoughts and emotions! The darker and more dense the stronger they affect sensitive people. This was a huge learning for me. But the story didn’t end there.
I had lent her one of my favourite books to read which she took with her. I missed it, as I used it as a regular reference. On the day it returned in the post I opened the parcel and re-experienced such heavy dense energy emanating from it that I felt the psychic attack happening again. I quickly took the book to the garbage bin and threw it away. Did I get the big lesson then? No. She called me a month or so later and we talked about energy openly. I unconsciously allowed her to manipulate me again. I invited her to come and visit for a weekend only! My need to help and rescue her was so strong and I still couldn’t believe someone could be evil. My former husband was amazed at my naivety! Much the same psychic attack began to happen again but this time I arrested it in its infancy! I told her it would be best for us never to meet again. That was twelve years ago - a Jupiter cycle!
My dream demonstrated aptly where I was at in my progress with this Scorpio awareness lesson. It also showed me how I have been unconsciously affected by this past powerful psychic attack through lower confidence levels and how the resultant procrastination affected my career and power base during the past twelve years. Prior to that cycle I was a very successful, confident dynamo.I often questioned myself as to where those positive qualities had gone. What had happened that caused my high confidence levels to vanish? Here was my answer. I still had twelve-year old sticky psychic threads attached to me! I did a half-hearted process to clear my energy field and asked my Higher Self to give me a very clear message to show me where I was at with this process. Immediately the phone rang. It was a FAX coming through, but it had great trouble. It grunted, moaned and groaned and then stuck – totally! So, this was where I was at - stuck! The healing process hadn’t worked because I hadn’t been totally committed! More sabotage! So, determination entered. I became warrior-like. I committed to re-do the process with the full intent to clear the issue forever. I used all my natural healing tools. I gathered beautiful flowers, crystals and oils around me and played inspirational music. This time it worked.
Love is the highest vibration of all and will always win out. I returned the psychic energy with love and forgave all parties involved. I accepted that I must have attracted this attack as a result of past karma so took full responsibility and forgave myself.
And then more realizations entered my conscious mind. I was able to see clearly other incidents where I had allowed self-sabotage even though no one else was involved. It was the original psychic attachment that continued to re-create the sabotage. WOW! How amazing is that! I had even fallen down a step and created incredible pain through dislocating my pelvis whilst under a psychic ‘spell’–at midnight! I thought of the fairy story of Cinderella. Then I thought of Sleeping Beauty. She had a magic spell put over her whereby she slept (remained unconscious) for 100 years. I had been ‘asleep’ for twelve years and could have stayed that way for the rest of my life if I hadn’t kept on asking myself pertinent questions.
I wondered how many other people were experiencing similar effects of long standing psychic attacks. I thought of sensitive children and how they could be at the mercy of resentful parental Scorpio energy and my heart went out to them. What big lessons they have incarnated to learn.
Some key words for dysfunctional Scorpio are: resentment, jealousy, envy, hatred, violence, revenge, manipulation, control and power. These emotions are like poison. We all have them and often they are buried really deep. It is what we do with them that is so vitally important. It is very wise indeed to become conscious of them. Emotions are energy in motion. If we use this dense Scorpio energy to send it, consciously or unconsciously, to others through our thoughts, gossip, emotions and actions we initiate other peoples’ suffering. Karma is created! This is black magic. What we put out will come back to us through the Law of Magnetic Attraction. I have seen so many people who consciously manipulate others to get their own way suffer later in life through illness, poverty, loneliness and early death. Some blow up like a balloon as the psychic poison floods their body.
Astrology has been my lifesaver so I cast a chart for my ‘wake-up’ message. Transiting Jupiter was within a minute of its’ conjunction to my natal Venus in Scorpio in 9th which squares natal Neptune in Aquarius in 12th! Jupiter certainly did his job of expanding my awareness big time! This was a pattern I had not been able to see before and now it was revealed in all its glory! I felt so grateful that I was now aware. Astrology is such an amazingly accurate tool. This was Jupiter’s last pass over my natal Venus for another twelve years. “What will the next twelve years bring?” I wondered. I reflected on the past twelve years and saw enormous growth in my understanding and knowledge – gifts of Jupiter. I feel so grateful to Jupiter for bringing the opportunity to expand my awareness.
And so I share this awareness with you in the hope that you will gain inspiration and clarity from it. May my ‘wake-up’ call be for your benefit.
Love and blessings,
Ashtara
July 21st 2006.
Please feel free to pass this message on to those you feel might also benefit.
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